Chapter 23 – January 2020

Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23.

Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit.

“If I hear one more person who brags about their trips with Terence McKenna or Timothy Leary I might become what people refer to as evil.”

— Rachel Haywire, Eris is my Biatch

The road to Hell is paved with aphorisms.

This is the first monthly newsletter so let me know what you think. We’ll work out the kinks as we go along so smoke ’em if you got ’em.

The monthly newsletter goes out on the 23rd of every month at 2.30pm GMT. It will usually only be visible to paid subscribers or people who have been gifted a paid subscription.

I’m making this issue available to everyone so that you can see what you’re letting yourself in for.

If you were gifted a paid subscription then thank you for the kidney — or, you know, for supporting me on Patreon.

If you like this newsletter then please become a paid subscriber. I’m offering a permanent discount for early subscribers so now is the time to get on board.

This month, there’s music, mayhem*, and shameless self-promotion.

*I may have lied about the mayhem.

One of us! One of us! One of us!


Paid members of Chapter 23 get a multimedia newsletter on the 23rd of every month, unrestricted access to my work, and other secret goodies.

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Happy New Year!

It’s 2020.

Same shit, different day, if you ask me.

The only thing that changed is the year.

And whilst we’re on the subject, it’s NOT the start of a new decade. It’s the end of one.

Don’t believe me? Count to ten. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Or to make it really clear: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Did you start with a 0 or 10? No you did not.

Do you know why? Because you can count.

Anno Domini didn’t start with Year Zero. Jesus isn’t Batman.

2020 is the end of a 10 year period. But because we say 60s, 70s, 80s etc to denote cultural periods people get confused.

Welcome to the twenty twenties — or whatever the fuck we’re supposed to call them.

The Gregorian calendar is fiction anyway.

I much prefer Chinese New Year. Because reasons.

Chinese New Year for 2020 is Saturday 25 January.

So from the bottom of my heart may I be the first to wish you a Happy Chinese New Year for Saturday.

The Gregorians can suck it.

What’s your theme for 2020?

What do you want this year to look like? What do you intend to do once your new years resolutions have fallen by the wayside? What’s your theme for 2020?

This is your homework for this month. I genuinely want you to think about this. Come up with a theme or a saying or mantra that sums up what you want from this year.

Feel free to tell me what it is. Or keep it to yourself. I don’t mind. Just have one.

Mine is “You can’t turn lead into gold but you can turn shit into money.” Or, as we say in Yorkshire, “Where there’s muck there’s brass.” Make of that what you will.

You can’t turn lead into gold but you can turn shit into money.

This clip of BMO from Adenture Time is EXACTLY how I feel every time I attempt to market myself.

That said, I’m an independent writer and need all the help I can get so: “Reach for the roof and give me all your gold bricks!”

Support me on Patreon

Follow me on Medium

Chat with me on Twitter

Or, you know, just give me money. Or unwanted gift cards. Or sock zombies. Because who wouldn’t want a zombie made out of socks.

Friend Links

Here’s some of my stuff to read on the interweb. They’re all Friend Links so anyone can read them.

I Love Music More Than I Love You — A love letter to music from a misanthrope

Asshole Astrology — Horoscopes for horrible people

For the Love of Good Music — Turn off your phone

Friend Links for Medium — All my Medium posts to the end of 2019

One Minute Reads for Writers — 30 posts in 30 days on graffiti living

jamesgarside.net — My website has links to most of my writing

Note: If you have a problem opening any of these links just try to view them in private browsing mode and that will probably do the trick.

PS. This band are playing in Leeds tonight. I want to go but that would mean getting out of bed and staying up past my bedtime. So to celebrate the launch of Chapter 23 I went to see this band or I stayed home and drank tea in bed. Either way, I’m glad I did.

I made this!

I made a playlist about America called Amurika. This was before I heard Rammstein’s ‘Amerika’ which is so good it made me want to pack up and go home. Anyway, you get the idea — plus an insight into my warped psyche and taste in music.

Free Prize Inside

Get ready for a gift giveaway extravaganza! I’m just fucking with you. But now that I’ve got your attention… This is a paid newsletter (whether you pay for it or not) and I want it to be worth your time. Every month I plan to give SOMETHING away that’s worthy of the price of admission. This month, I will do a Skype chat with anyone who wants to talk to me about anything. You can ask me for writing advice, tell me your plans for world domination, or we can just hang out for a while. Any takers?

Thanks for reading.

As always feel free to #AskMeAnything

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