Category Archives: Blog
Asshole Astrology — July 2020
Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Asshole Astrology is now an actual thing — I blame you. A friend said that Asshole Astrology sounds like an x-rated alternative to reading the tea leaves. Others have said that it sounds rude, like a sex thing, or some sort of cavity search. That’s surprisingly apropos — when I write I’m literally pulling it out of my arse. That said, I hope that you’re sufficiently entertained to pay for this newsletter. I need to start making enough money to live on soon because […]
Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack
Asshole Astrology — Week of 29 June 2020
Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Everybody knows that astrologers are basically assholes with too much time on their hands and most horoscope writers are failed writers and barely functioning alcoholics. I mean that in a good way. As for you being a horrible person — don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely. Aquarius: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re […]
Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack
Asshole Astrology is now an actual thing
Horoscopes for Horrible People Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Asshole Astrology is now an actual thing. I blame you. I figured some of you wouldn’t want it to become a regular part of Chapter 23 so I set it up as a separate thing instead. That way those of you who want it can come get it. And the rest can do nothing and I will silently judge you. Sign-ups are free for a limited time. Because I love you. And you feel it. All joking aside I’d love […]
Asshole Astrology — Week of 23 June 2020
Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Please ignore me — I’m just bitter. After getting an MA in Creative Writing, training as a journalist, and a lifetime spent blogging and writing fiction, the thing of mine that gets the warmest response from people by far’s a fake horoscope column that I wrote off-the-cuff as a joke. I’m not mad, just disappointed. You see, I wrote a post called Asshole Astrology. It’s ridiculous the number of people who have said they love it, or that it was spookily accurate, given that I made […]
Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack
Chapter 23 – June 2020
Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. “For a writer there is no such thing as an exemplary life.” — Tobias Wolff My birthday is 23 June. I’m trying to relax. This is more difficult than I remember. This month, it’s my birthday, it’s my birthday, I ain’t picking up the phone on my birthday. Don’t…
Tough Love Astrology
22–28 June 2020 Continue reading on The Partnered Pen »
Categories: Medium • Tags: astrology, horoscopes, humor, medium, satire, this-happened-to-me
Chapter 23 — Asshole Astrology
Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Everybody knows that astrologers are basically assholes with too much time on their hands and most horoscope writers are failed writers and barely functioning alcoholics. I mean that in a good way. As for you being a horrible person — don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely. Aquarius: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re […]
Chapter 23 — Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Twitter* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)
Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash I can teach you everything you need to know about Twitter with a story about three witches. It gives you a framework for understanding which Twitter strategies are most effective. I’ve Twitter trained individual writers, journalists, and artists. I’ve provided internal staff training to charities and managed the Twitter accounts of businesses, third-sector organizations, and creative industries. I’ve also over 15,000 followers on my personal Twitter account so I must be doing something right. Here’s a guide to get you started, some tips and tricks, and that all-important story. WHAT IS TWITTER? Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash Twitter is a Conversation Imagine a party to which everyone in the world is […]
My Photos of Japan
These are some of my favourite pictures of Japan. In a way they represent the birth of my love for travel photography. I took hundreds of photos when I was in Japan, quite a few years back, with a camera that I’d procured the night before. I didn’t steal the camera so much as borrow it at gunpoint. Then I taught myself how to use it on the plane and I’ve been breaking the rules of composition ever since. Don’t worry, I gave the camera back and have since bought one of my own! See Full Article
Chapter 23 – May 2020
Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. “All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery.” — George Orwell Bacon is proof that god loves you. Or at least that he hates vegetarians. This month, I explain Twitter using a story about three witches.
No-One Gives a Shit About Your Blog
Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash No-one gives a shit about your blog. It’s official. There was a meeting. Didn’t you get the memo? Nobody cares what you think. It’s no longer a secret. No-one has to fake an interest in your problems, read your posts, click your affiliate links, look at ‘cute’ pictures of your cats, or listen to what you have to say. Life is short. People are busy. Leave them alone. See Full Article
What is good communication?
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash The question “What is good communication?” means nothing without context. Who’s talking, who to, and what are they trying to say? Communication is basically the conveying of information (between you and an audience). Good communication is where what you convey is understood. See Full Article
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Twitter* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)
Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash I can teach you everything you need to know about Twitter with a story about three witches. It gives you a framework for understanding which Twitter strategies are most effective. I’ve Twitter trained individual writers, journalists, and artists. I’ve provided internal staff training to charities and managed the Twitter accounts of businesses, third-sector organizations, and creative industries. I’ve also over 15,000 followers on my personal Twitter account so I must be doing something right. Here’s a guide to get you started, some tips and tricks, and that all-important story. See Full Article
Life is a Shitty First Draft — You Only Get Rewrites if You’re Buddhist
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash Søren Kierkegaard said: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” I’ve thought about that a lot lately for a number of reasons both personal and philosophical. What stories do you tell yourself about your life? If your life was a book, written by someone you’ve read, who’d be the author? Would anyone care to read it? Will your life make more sense when you’re dead? And what’s the best way to live forwards? Life’s a shitty first draft — you only get rewrites if you’re Buddhist. See Full Article
Chapter 23 – April 2020
Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. “Don’t you just hate how many quotes are incorrectly attributed on the internet?” — Genghis Khan I tried to give away 1,000 paid subscriptions to my newsletter for free. I gave away over 100 but the process is such a pain and fraught with unexpected compli…
To blog or not to blog
Photo by Mathew MacQuarrie on Unsplash To blog, or not to blog: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings & arrows of outrageous spambots, or take arms against a sea of trolls,and by opposing end them? Sorry, wrong meeting. How to blog when you’ve nothing to say? See Full Article
Mighty Mur’s Writing Feedback to Me on ISBW #332
I love Mur Lafferty — the Hugo award-winning writer and all round badass. Her podcast I Should Be Writing kept me company many nights when I should, you know, be writing. So I was delighted when she gave me some writing feedback on her show. This was about five years ago. I still feel every day like it’s over, everything is hopeless, and that I might as well quit. Then I remember the advice that she gave to me and I keep going. Why do I tell you this? Because you should be writing.
All writers are assholes but not all assholes are writers
“A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” — Franz Kafka Kafka one said that “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” I say that all writers are assholes but not all assholes are writers. So it’s better to be an asshole who writes than an asshole who doesn’t. In my own life I often veer dangerously close to just being an asshole.…
Character — The Carrot and Stick Approach
“Just because you are a character doesn’t mean that you have character.” — Winston Wolfe, Pulp Fiction How do you make characters that have character? Here’s my carrot and stick approach. Badly written characters are cardboard cut-outs: unconvincing, sensational, two-dimensional, exaggerated and only there to serve the plot. Like painting by numbers or dot…
Testing, testing, one two three…
A bit back I recorded my voice without the aid of an external microphone. It sounded horrendous, as you might imagine, but I wasn’t allowed to buy an external microphone until I read something out loud and recorded it. How did it sound? Let’s just say I’m available for voice-over work if anyone needs the voice of a creepy serial killer Clown that lost his voice in a scuba-diving accident. I hate the sound of my own voice but I wanted to test the default microphone that’s built into my laptop. It’s me reading The Journey by Mary Oliver. Badly. In the bath. Or at least that’s what it sounds […]
Should I Write Under a Pseudonym?
Inquiring minds want to know Continue reading on a Few Words »
Categories: Blog • Tags: life, medium, mental-health, privacy, relationships, writing
Fiction is the Lie That Tells the Truth
Why I stopped writing fiction for more than a decade Continue reading on An Injustice! »
Categories: Blog • Tags: art, life, medium, mental-health, relationships, writing
All Writers Are Gaijin
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a gaijin. Gangster, I meant GANGSTER. But, you see, I’m gaijin. I’ve always been gaijin. And I think it’s about time that all writers claimed the word gaijin as their own. See Full Article
Chapter 23 – March 2020
Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. “All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.” — Bill Hicks If this month is going to get any weirder please can it do so quietly and after I’ve had a cup of tea? This month, it’s all a…
Rule of Thumb
Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash These are some of my #ruleofthumb rules of thumb. Tell me yours. <div class="tweet" data-attrs="{"url":"https://twitter.com/jamesgarside_/status/255586441395044353","full_text":"#ruleofthumb: People who feel the need to tell you that they’ve got an excellent sense of humour, don’t.","username":"jamesgarside_","name":"James Garside","date":"Tue Oct 09 08:32:10 +0000 2012","photos":[],"quoted_tweet":{},"retweet_count":2,"like_count":1,"expanded_url":{}}” readability=”8″> #ruleofthumb: People who feel the need to tell you that they’ve got an excellent sense of humour, don’t. <div class="tweet" data-attrs="{"url":"https://twitter.com/jamesgarside_/status/255948960232009729","full_text":"#ruleofthumb: Never share a bathroom or a kitchen with someone you don’t already share a bed with.","username":"jamesgarside_","name":"James Garside","date":"Wed Oct 10 08:32:42 +0000 2012","photos":[],"quoted_tweet":{},"retweet_count":0,"like_count":0,"expanded_url":{}}” readability=”7″> #ruleofthumb: Never share a bathroom or a kitchen with someone you don’t already share a bed with. <div class="tweet" data-attrs="{"url":"https://twitter.com/jamesgarside_/status/256311157336461312","full_text":"#ruleofthumb: My propensity to tell […]
My Corona
Never gonna stop? Give it up. Continue reading on The Narrative »
Categories: Blog • Tags: covid19, humor, life, life-lessons, medium, this-happened-to-me
Why don’t we just talk about loneliness?
Health studies suggest that social isolation is as bad for you as obesity or heart disease and that loneliness can be as damaging to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We become isolated for many reasons, and loneliness affects all of us at some point in our lives, but it is most prevalent among vulnerable and isolated older people. Research commissioned by Age UK indicates that half a million people over the age of 60 spend most days alone and about half a million more don’t have contact with anyone for up to a week at a time. So why don’t we talk about it? See Full Article