Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

A distressed writer asked me: “Why can’t writers sell their books, that they’ve agonized and slaved over, sometimes for years, for the price of a cup of coffee?”

To which I replied: “Because our consumer society values coffee higher than books. People buy what they want — be that coffee or books.”

They weren’t impressed, to put it mildly, but I stand by what I said.

It’s an excellent question — even if the author meant it differently and my response was unhelpful.

Why SHOULD you be able to make a living from your writing?

I ask this as a writer. But I answer it as a writer too.

The world doesn’t owe you a living.

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Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

This week it’s make your mind up time.

Do you love these horoscopes enough to want them in your life?

If you do then please sign up for a paid subscription because you’re worth it.

And if you don’t then don’t. I won’t judge you. But it can’t go on without your support.

I may have to roll them into Chapter 23, my newsletter, or scrap them entirely.

But if you subscribe then I will keep these humorous horoscopes separate as a special thing in their own right.

I will shower you with blessings. There will be infinite cookies and cups of tea.

Are you ready? Let’s do this!

Aquarius: I will write for food. What are you prepared to do in order to live your dreams? What’s the lowest form of your art that you’re willing to do for money? What will you do to get by? Put your worst foot forward this week. It’s more important you try every day than do a lot. That’s how I learnt to jump hurdles as a kid. Set the bar low enough that you can step over it. Then keep raising the bar. If you need to lower your standards then it helps to know what they are. Personally, I can’t tell my are’s from my elbow. *hold for laugh*

Pisces: This week you come out with one of your better puns. Punning is like cabbage. It has its uses but I don’t like it. So use your newfound powers sparingly and maybe open a window first. Scratched vinyl is the best vinyl. The signs of use mean it was loved and well played. Look around you at your posessions. What do you use the most? What does that tell you about what you like to do? Is there a particular hobby that you’d like to do more of? If so then do that. This is pretty self-explanatory. I shouldn’t have to spell it out.

Aries: I pay lip service to the belief that it’s each to their own taste taste in music. But I must confess that I used to tell people that KMFDM stood for Kill Motherfucking Depeche Mode. What opinions do you pay lip service to but not uphold in real life? KMFDM actually stands for Kein Mehrheit Für Die Mitleid, loosely translated by the band as “no pity for the majority.” Your homework for this week: Invent your own slogan that fits your world view. Live according to your values rather than those of the mob. Unless you’re a mobster of course.

Taurus: You’re feeling scary, sexy, quaint, quirky, and three other goth dwarves. I’m currently listening to everything by Angel Corpus Christi. “Me & My Beretta” is my favourite Angel Corpus Christi song. But she’s done loads of cover versions including an album full of instrumental covers played on an accordion! Allow yourself to get obsessed by someone or something this week. I mean in an artistic, tasteful and non-stalkerish kind of way. Read every Dan Brown novel. Listen to the entire back catalogue of Taylor Swift. Whatever.

Gemini: People are going to be mean to you this week — at work, outside, and at home. People are going to say mean things. They’re vain, selfish, and unreliable. They’re going to make life harder for you in ways that benefit themselves. That isn’t very nice of them now, is it? I feel like I’m stating the obvious here. I’ll shut up. My point is just that it’s the same for everyone. You’re the centre of your petty drama but only a bit-part in theirs. Get used to it. Read up on Stoicism and forbearance and try to move on with your life.

Cancer: Comic book writer Grant Morrison created the character King Mob as a Fiction Suit. He used him as a stand-in for himself in the Invisibles comics but also dressed like the character in real life. Michael Hutchence, the late lead singer of INXS, gave Kylie Minogue some similar advice. He told her to wear the on-stage persona of Kylie like a suit of clothes that she could take off and hang up when she got home. This week adopt a persona and use it as a force-multiplying tool. You are who you pretend to be. Pretend to be who you want.

Leo: It’s a beautiful day. Even if you still haven’t found what you’re looking for. It’s the sweetest thing. Even better than the real thing. It could be where the streets have no name or under the Joshua tree. Another time, another place. Get out of your own way. With or without you, sometimes you can’t make it on your own. Are you gonna wait forever? Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me. I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight. U2 suck. That’s all I’m saying. Enjoy your week and if you listen to U2 then burn their albums.

Virgo: The thing that first struck me when reading Aleister Crowley was how funny he was. Humour is a sign of intelligence and I’m convinced that funny people can’t be all that bad. I’ll bet the Devil is hilarious. Who can you think of that’s unexpectedly funny? Make them your mentor if only for this week. Sure they might lead you from the path until you wake up in a ditch somewhere. But it has got to be better than listening to sour and humourless people who wouldn’t recognise a joke if it slapped them in the face with a wet fish.

Libra: I love Johnny Cash, called the man in black because he dressed that way in protest as explained by the song of the same name. He’s the reason I dress in black. I’ve dressed in black most days since I was a teen but as a child I’d wear lots of different colours. This reminds me of a goth I knew who always wore a red t-shirt. What is your uniform for this week and why will you wear it? Dress the same every day. Not only does it save you time spent obsessing about what to wear. It’s a powerful statement about who you want to be.

Scorpio: Do you hear voices? Can you see dead people? Do you have imaginary friends, spirit guides, or a coterie of particularly chatty angels? At least you’ll have lots of interesting conversations. That’s what you need more of this week. Forget the spooky stuff — just get out there and talk to people. Strike up conversations with people that you wouldn’t normally speak to. Be friendly. Make the first move. Start small talk. I know that’s not how you roll but that’s exactly the point. Get out of your head and into the world.

Sagittarius: I figured out that when intermittent fasting I can drink tea with milk as it only has 13 calories per cup. I round that up to 15. Which means on a fast day when I’m allowed 600 calories, if I don’t eat, I can drink 40 cups of tea. That’s about right for my tea consumption. So instead of fasting I just drink tea all day instead. Think about that this week. You’re about to figure out simple solutions to some of your problems. What shortcuts can you use that make life easier? For once in your life stop being so hard on yourself and chillax.

Capricorn: I’ve just realised how self-referential these horoscope columns have become. Sorry about that. I know that I’m a narcissist but what does that say about me? Let’s flip it round this week. What does everything and everyone in your life say about you? This is a really bad habit to get into as, drum roll, you’re not the centre of the universe. But it could be instructive as a thought experiment. Just this once. Pretend the universe is speaking to you and the language that it uses is the world around you. Listen to what it says.

What does the universe have in store for you? Sign up to find out.

Why aren’t my words the focal point of your existence?

If they were you would have signed up for my newsletter by now.

Or given me all of your money so that I can spend it on tea.

Those are literally the only two options.

Here is this week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

All joking aside please let me know if you’d like to read this as a regular part of Chapter 23.

Or sign up directly for my humorous horoscopes instead.

If you pay for either newsletter you can have the other for free. Because I love you.

Aquarius: After all these years it’s normal that people haven’t seen Star Wars. This week you prove you’re not a millennial by being unable to take a proper selfie. People will be polite and tempted to say something like “You’re looking well” and you won’t even be able to think of a decent one-liner in response. You could always tell them to f*ck off. It’s a good one. A classic. Tried and tested. Vintage. Much like you feel these days in your advanced years.

Pisces: You clearly label a joke as a joke. People still somehow managed to take it literally and act like you’re being serious. It’s almost like they’re determined to take offence at everything. This is why you hate the internet. There ain’t no cure for stupid. No, I’m not saying that you’re stupid. What do you mean you take offence at that? It’s just a joke. There’s no need to get your knickers in a twist. Wait a minute. I see what you did there.

Aries: Good morning. I think I’m off back to bed. See you at the weekend. You may feel misunderstood about your insomnia and night-owl tendencies. But clearly anyone who gets up during daylight hours, like a so-called normal person, is daft and not to be trusted. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Stay in bed. That’s my advice. And something I do. Hence why I’m in my jim-jams. Bedtime wisdom. Goodnight, everybody.

Taurus: A cup of tea solves everything — including running out of tea. No matter how much direction you develop in life you still somehow always seem to manage to piss on your boots. Life is a shit sandwich. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas. Stay positive. Drink tea. That’s a great philosophy for life. Unless you run out of tea.

Gemini: Enjoy your weekends. You only get two days off from your miserable humdrum worker-bee existence so that you don’t die at work. Don’t sit in the corner the whole time with your thumb up your arse. And no I don’t mean like Little Jack Horner. I think you’re thinking of pie. Now I’m thinking about pie. Mmm. Pie. This week you look like the cat that got the cream. I on the other hand ate Tweetie Pie. Hence the feather sticking out of my mouth.

Cancer: An Albanian proverb says: “In the eyes of the mouse the cat is a lion.” Your inner toddler is Tom Hardy. Remind me to never mess with you. When it comes to one of your deepest darkets secrets you’re worried that the cat is out of the bag. The cat is out of the bag? The cat isn’t out of the bag. Cats can’t escape from out of bags. It’s their one weakness. The only thing that you have to fear is fear itself… and spiders. Fuck spiders.

Leo: Americans know best. Doctor Who has always been a little bit shit. It’s perfectly ok to call a Sausage Sandwich a Sausage Roll here in England. It’s not like we already call something else that. Some sort of pastry for example. Coffee is better than tea. It hurts to type these things, or think them, even in jest. Don’t take everything I say literally. If you take everything I say literally then I literally want to punch you in the face.

Virgo: I’m not saying that you’re out of touch but most of your cultural references are carbon dated. I’m not saying that you’re uptight but I bet that you’re the type of person who flinched when Apple put a U2 album on your phone. And I’m not saying that your conversation is boring but last night I dreamt that Terence McKenna downloaded alien poetry into my head. Sorry, you were telling me what you had for breakfast? Pray continue.

Libra: Everybody’s talking about Artichokes, Asian greens, Asparagus, Beans, Beetroot, Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, Cabbages, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chilli peppers, Courgettes, Cucumber, Eggplant, Fennel, Garlic, Ginger, Kale, Leeks, Mushrooms, Onions, Parsnips, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Rhubarb, Salad greens, Shallots, Spinach, Turnips. This vegetable, that vegetable, salad, salad, salad. All we are saying is give Peas a chance.

Scorpio: With everything your family says, no matter how much they nag or annoy you, what they’re really trying to say is: “I love you.” It’s sad when people you care about exit from your life. Especially when people who piss you off won’t take the hint. Sometimes you feel the need to say goodbye to people who are no longer in your life and to let them go. Or you could just unfollow them on Twitter and stop stalking them on Facebook. Everyone must go.

Sagittarius: You’re like the lost child of the Addam’s family. Were you born on a Wednesday? I’ve started remembering my dreams again. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The best one was Battle Royale: Muppets vs Sesame Street. Puppet carnage is somehow much funnier than the real thing. Speaking of which, that provides a tenous link to how things are for you this week. Fall asleep with lights on and wake up with lights off? Check for monsters under the bed.

Capricorn: Read a REAL book — one with pages. Write out your opinions about the book in long-hand without referring to the internet. I am Jack’s token cultural reference. You’ve Sophie’s Choice over several work projects: You love them all but one of them has to die. It’s time to make up your mind. You could always take the Keyser Soze approach and KILL EVERYONE. Just walk away. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

What does the universe have in store for you? Sign up to find out.

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

I published 30 posts in 30 days. I’ve pulled links to them all together in this list post for ease of reference.

These are all friend links — because I love you — so you will be able to read them whether you’re a member of Medium or not.

I must remember to also post this post as a friend link because otherwise that will kind of defeat the point.

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Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23.

Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit.

“You don’t write a novel out of sheer pity any more than you blow a safe out of a vague longing to be rich. A certain ruthlessness and a sense of alienation from society is as essential to creative writing as it is to armed robbery.”

― Nelson Algren

I want to open a pub called Crowley’s. Not to open a pub — just to meet all the interesting oddballs who drink there.

This month, I made t-shirts, there’s a free audiobook up for grabs, plenty of stuff to read, and I confess just how much I hate Harry Potter.

As most of you know already every month I send out a not-so-secret post to all paying subscribers on the 23rd of every month.

This month this edition is public in a vain attempt to encourage more people to pay to subscribe.

Please let me know if you like Chapter 23 and what if anything would persuade you to support my writing with more than just kind words.

Why? Because I write for a living and ghosts don’t type. Unless they’re ghost writers.

I’ll see myself out.

Tweet Shirts

People on Twitter keep asking me for merch with something that I said on it. It took me two years to get around to it but I’ve finally made my first tweet-shirts!

Please join me in my Sarcasm Prayer: “Grant me the sarcasm to mock the things I cannot change, the wit to change the things I can, and the cynicism to know the difference.”

Bespoke t-shirts and other merchandise are available upon request; so long as you give me lots of money.

On sale for a limited time at Hellvetica. Get it whilst it’s hot!

My first happy customer!

Thanks to @samanthabwriter, pictured above, for being the first proud owner of one of my tweet-shirts.

And, you know, for being a Twitter friend, subscriber to Chapter 23, and all round wonderful writerly person!

Hating Harry Potter

I hate Harry Potter but love JK Rowling — this is why.

James Garside @jamesgarside_

Q: Why don’t you love Harry Potter?
A: Because it’s for kids and I’m not one.

September 22nd 2018

When I taught Creative Writing to young people on the gifted and talented young people programme I had recourse to defend my hatred of Harry Potter — not of JK Rowling personally, just of the books.

First, I agreed that Harry Potter was entertaining. And I emphasised that there are things that I like about Harry Potter and adore about JK Rowling. This is always a good idea when faced with a room full of Harry Potter fans.

What I disliked about Harry Potter series: They’re badly written and badly edited. They got flabbier with each book — from the first slim volume to doorstoppers that weighed-in at over 700 pages.

I believe in quality, not quantity. And the idea that “they’re only kid’s books” doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be made as good as they possibly can before they go out. It’s important for children’s literature to be great.

I also worried that “the Harry Potter phenomenon” eclipsed other books that were just as good, if not better, and worthy of attention.

What I liked about Harry Potter: I watched the special where JK Rowling read from the new book.

Several thousand excited kids were screaming and cheering when JKR arrived, as though they were waiting for their favourite rock star. All this for a writer!

They then sat spellbound as she read, and cheered at the end… all this for a book!

In the days of Playstation and Xbox, Britney Spears and the f*~king Tweenies, Harry Potter made reading cool.

Thousands of young people have taken an interest in reading, and are willing to queue around the block to get a copy of a book on the night it is published.

When I was doing my MA in Creative Writing, I was the only bloke doing a module on women’s writing. The tutor would let her daughter sit in on the lesson. She would sit there quietly reading Harry Potter, and now and then giggle to herself and continue reading.

THAT is why I like Harry Potter.

What I like about JK Rowling: She wrote the Harry Potter books. She’s intelligent, smart, and seems like a lovely person. She has donated lots of money to charities and worthy causes, and is perfectly level-headed and pragmatic about the whole thing in interviews. She also managed to charm Jeremy Paxman!

What I dislike about JK Rowling: Nothing, I don’t know her. She seems very likeable and people that are critical of her success are probably just jealous.

But there are better writers out there — some starving, mad, dead, or languishing in obscurity — people that I’m passionate about and would give blood to get other people to read.

Friend Links

Here’s some of my stuff to read on the interweb. They’re all Friend Links so anyone can read them.

Tough Love Astrology — Fake horoscopes because I think that’s funny

There’s Nothing Correct About Political Correctness — But it is political

I’ve contemplated suicide every day of my life since the age of eleven — My ability to procrastinate knows no bounds

Friend Links for Medium — All my Medium posts to the end of 2019

One Minute Reads for Writers — 30 posts in 30 days

jamesgarside.net — My website has links to most of my writing

PS. Asshole Astrology is now its own newsletter. You can sign up to the public posts for free.

I will gladly comp a lifetime paid subscription to anyone who pays for a subscription to Chapter 23 or vice versa.

Note: If you have a problem opening any of these links just try to view them in private browsing mode and that will probably do the trick.

FREE Audiobook Giveaway

Is listening to Epic Fantasy your thing? Enough to write a book review about it?

Epic Fantasy author Karen Gray has kindly given me an Audible code for a free copy of the audiobook of one of her books.

This isn’t an advert — it’s a favour to a Twitter friend and it would mean a lot to me if you could help me out.

For King and Country: The Saga of Thistles and Roses is the first book in The Warrior Queen series. It’s already highly rated but would benefit from reviews from discerning readers such as yourselves.

Please comment or message me if you are interested. You must be willing to write a review of the book.

Thanks for reading.

As always feel free to #AskMeAnything