Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Read them all — that way you have 12 short essays that are all about you. Aquarius: It will do you good to recognise and accept your limitations for a change. For example, you may start thinking: “I should start a podcast or make a video or something.” Then you remember that you hate public speaking and you’re not a shiny happy millennial or narcissistic sociopath. Well, at least not one who likes to record themselves showing off. You’ve a face that’s made for radio and a […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Aquarius: You should try to use your inside voice for negative thoughts, snark, bitterness and sarcasm. As a result you won’t have much to say. Sorry about that. Or, you know, you’re welcome. Don’t try so hard and don’t be so critical of others. The things we spend the least amount of time and energy on have the tendency to get the most attention. Work as though it fell out by mistake. Nobody likes a pedan’t… *hold for laugh* Pisces: For any book you want to […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Why not read the whole thing and pretend that the advice for all the other signs also applies to you? Aquarius: Someone will say that you were rude to them. I’m not a betting person but I’d lay money that you weren’t rude at all. You’re a good person, well-intentioned, and mindful of others. Some people just ain’t shit. Someone else will say that you complain too much. They’re probably right but you weren’t put on this planet to be an emotional punchbag for strangers. […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack

Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Asshole Astrology is now an actual thing — I blame you. A friend said that Asshole Astrology sounds like an x-rated alternative to reading the tea leaves. Others have said that it sounds rude, like a sex thing, or some sort of cavity search. That’s surprisingly apropos — when I write I’m literally pulling it out of my arse. That said, I hope that you’re sufficiently entertained to pay for this newsletter. I need to start making enough money to live on soon because […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Everybody knows that astrologers are basically assholes with too much time on their hands and most horoscope writers are failed writers and barely functioning alcoholics. I mean that in a good way. As for you being a horrible person — don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely. Aquarius: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. Please ignore me — I’m just bitter. After getting an MA in Creative Writing, training as a journalist, and a lifetime spent blogging and writing fiction, the thing of mine that gets the warmest response from people by far’s a fake horoscope column that I wrote off-the-cuff as a joke. I’m not mad, just disappointed. You see, I wrote a post called Asshole Astrology. It’s ridiculous the number of people who have said they love it, or that it was spookily accurate, given that I made […]

Categories: Substack • Tags: Asshole Astrology, substack