Asshole Astrology: May 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Home security:
1. Lock the front door
2. Turn the gas off
3. Leave the lights on
4. Let the neighbours know you’re away
5. Eat cookies

Internet security:
1. Encryption
2. Dropbox
3. Password management
4. Browser settings
5. Refuse cookies

Cookie Monster security:
1. Did someone say cookies?
2. Accept all cookies
3. Eat all cookies
4. Want more cookies

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: If you read good books, when you write, good books will come out of you. We promise. This book is unputdownable — we glued it to your hands — if the pages are sticky it’s just because we’re excited you want to read it. Buy it, you cheap bastard. I’m crap at telling funny anecdotes in pubs: I only get halfway through before friends jump in to fill the yawning abyss of awkward silence. Referring to your “brand” is another way of saying: “Here’s the carefully constructed, safe, corporate lie I need you to believe.” I like my writers dead. I mean that in a good way. All the best books are by writers that have stood the test of time.

Pisces: Exercise your demons. Nobody likes a fat demon. *adjusts face-skin mask* You can’t have kids just to steal their presents. Apparently. When you’re young, people think your diffidence is endearing. When you’re not, people just think you’re being a dick. Never suggest that I don’t work hard enough — I’m liable to beat you to death with one of my to do lists. Define both the problem and the solution as yourself — so that you can do something about it. When you say: “It’s ok, I don’t mind, forget about it” what your really mean is: “I want to cut off your face and feed it to your pets.” Simples.

Aries: Have you seen Sharknado or Ghost Shark? Can you recommend any other shark-related horror films? I ask for a friend. My friend is real, I promise — they think Sharknado is hilarious, so they might not stay friends for much longer. The question isn’t “Is it worth seeing on the big screen?” but “Is it worth paying £10-£15 to see on the big screen?” I’ve a special seat at the cinema beneath people who tweet during movies so I can jab them with forks. Tweeting whilst watching TV’s bad but that’s sacrilege. I feel like there should be more movies about crazed authors forcing people to read in a hostage situation.

Taurus: “Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.” That explains why I saw your inner child on the side of a milk carton. Is it wrong that I take “Clearly you murdered your inner child” as a compliment? You won’t find my inner-child on the side of a milk carton — mine’s a known felon wanted by the FBI. Get the Men in Black. And a helicopter. I went to my happy place — found my inner child’s bloated corpse floating face-down in a pool of unicorn tears. Then we drank tea together. They’d faked their own death. As Charles Bukowski said: “What makes a man a writer?” “Well,” I said, “it’s simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.

Gemini: When you reach a state of true enlightenment write down your thoughts. Have a look at them the next day and see if they still make sense. Laugh hysterically into your tea. “I think maybe you’ve had enough tea for now…” My American friend said this to me but she was just being mean. With friends like these who needs enemies. Of course now I’m laughing so hard I forgot to put the kettle on. ENOUGH TEA? Psh. *puts kettle on* Tough Love’s when you catch people drinking or talking about coffee, give them tea and say: “Shut up. Drink this.” Welcome to Sarcasm — please enjoy your stay.

Cancer: Your mind will come up with a billion excuses to stop writing and things you could do instead. Whatever it says, it’s full of shit. Tell yourself whatever lies are necessary to keep your butt in the chair and you writing. Take out your inner-editor: Notice what it says. Give it a high squeaky voice and pink fluffy ears. Shoot it in the head. LAUGH! Keep your eye on the prize. You get across a pebbled beach by focusing on the sea as you run — not worrying about your poor feet. Grab your story by the throat. Write whatever scares or excites you the most. Any time you think: “I can’t say that” put it in.

Leo: Aristotle: “For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.” Seneca: “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.” George Eliot: “It is never too late to be what you might have been” F. Scott Fitzgerald: “You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you’ve got something to say.” Ernest Hemingway: “It’s none of their business that you have to learn to write. Let them think you were born that way.” These should not be thought of as separate things. Write.

Virgo: Pantsers of the world unite — we’ve nothing to lose but our underwear. Welcome to the club. Writing fiction has got nothing to do with self-expression and everything to do with telling a story. Your dreams are your to use. Your dreams are creative — write them down. Turn into scenes and put them in your novel. Free wordcount! “For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no explanation will suffice.” Do anything before you write and you’re procrastinating. Do anything after you’ve written and it’s a reward. Having a cup of tea and a flapjack in your honour. Make tea, not war.

Libra: Fiction is the lie that tells the truth. I am curious what your story is. What brings you here? Are you a writer? Do you have a website? You’re funnier than most. You are made of awesome. You’re only fearful because you’re being courageous. Listen to music and drink tea until the sun comes up. Shut up and listen. Look even more puzzled. A senile old lady walked past me and said: “Oh, I haven’t seen you in a while.” We hadn’t met. I’m heartbroken as I didn’t know what to say. I just smiled politely and said hello back to her. Are you trying to make me cry? Did you notice that?! Yeah, I noticed that too.

Scorpio: I feel like everything I do is a complete waste of time — including when I openly admit how I feel. Here’s the truth: I don’t expect you give a shit about me or my writing. If people don’t it just means I need to get better. If I write something good then the money will follow. I’d rather you steal my work or read it for free than pay for something you don’t want or care about. The best thing about being a writer? My office is a laptop. My boss is, technically, my brain. My job? Being a full-time professional liar. My ‘paperless office’ setup is great — I have four drawers full of blank paper and empty notebooks and write nothing.

Sagittarius: Sometimes working in the third-sector feels like an abusive relationship. I’m just saying. I love when people ask you how to do something, you google it and tell them, then they’re all “I could have just googled it.” So why ask me? “Can you put it in an email?” Translation: Can you stop talking please? Another productive day at the office. There’s no I in team! Joking aside I love working co-operatively but too often offices are toxic work environments for introverts. One of my friends posted: “I’m not an essential worker. This means I’m a LUXURY ITEM.” That’s delightful.

Capricorn: You are basically evil. I mean that in a good way. You’re an evil genius in the best sense. The Devil’s alright — it’s his accountants, lawyers and admin you have to watch out for. Lawyers may be evil but they get the job done. My friends seem to have decided amongst themselves that I’m a sort of mad, scheming, evil, elf, pimp. I love my friends. I’ve got I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany stuck in my head. My brain is evil and secretly hates me. The beating of our hearts is the only sound. We’re doomed. But we also have tea. So, you know, there’s that. Where there’s tea, there’s hope.